The Lazy Secretary

Welcome to the Lazy Secretary Blog.

I am the executive assistant to a "BIG EXECUTIVE" in Manhattan.

9:45 - Arrive at the office (late)

9:46 - Check voicemail. I have 1 message.

9:48 - Resolve issue.

9:49 - Check my work email. 2 messages.

9:53 - Resolve those issues.

10:00 - The woman on the other side of my cube cackles. And everyday she screams the same line : MURDER.

10:01 - Check Ebay. Why? No reason. What am I looking for? Nothing.

10:28 - Personal Email. No real messages yet. Only spam. Click and clear.

10:37- My boss whizzes past me with an iced coffee and a paper under his arm. He slams the door, locks it and says "I need ten minutes". My cube starts to smell like cigarette smoke.

11:15 - The first phone call of the day! Frantically I come out of my daze..."Big Executive's Office!" I chirp. Sadly, The Big Executive picks up the line before I can take a message. I sigh and go back to my holding position. My mind numbed like a pencil that's been worn down to the nub...almost rendered useless due to a lack of sharpening. I'm so tired. I want to lay my head on the desk. I wish I lived in Spain, so that I could have a Siesta to look forward too.

11:20 - The woman on the other side of the cube begins her daily running commentary. She cackles again and starts talking. I wish to be excruciatingly clear: The Woman On the Other Side of the Cube has NO INTEREST in talking to me or anyone in particular. She just talks to make sounds. She laughs to fill the space. She's been a Lazy Secretary much longer than me, so maybe there is some reasoning behind her jabbering. But I couldn't say for certain. Here's what it sounds like:

"Where. Okay lets take care of this...where...hmmm...the Rolodex...maybe the girl upstairs has it....I wonder what she did with...oh for God's sake...here it is. Welcome to the lunatic asylum. I suppose I should just call. No...that's what I need. Its for the present. Hmmm.... (pause. silence.) HA HA HA HA HA HA (cackling). No he wants the other....I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Well....the English isn't too great lets see what happens"

I begin to get annoyed. My fingers tense up. I slip my "noise blocker" headphones on (purchased primarily for this purpose) and direct myself to Etsy.com. Then all of a sudden I hear a whistle and then a faint "yoohoo". And the chunks begin to rise in my already tightened throat. Its her. I take the headphones out.

11:35

Lazy Secretary: Yes?

The Woman on the Other Side of the Cube: Yoo Hoo? Hello? Can I have access to your computah (note: she has a Staten Island accent) after hours?

LS: What?

TWOTOSOTC: Your computah? I have some work to do for THE MINOR EXECUTIVE so I need to get on your computah after hours. I don't have the same programs that you do on my computah.

LS: I don't know.

TWOTOSOTC: She doesn't know. Well do you have "THE SEMI RELEVANT PROGRAM?"

LS: No.

TWOTOSOTC: Oh. Well never mind. Forget it.

One of these days I'm going to scream at her. I've been on the other side of the cube from her for almost 3 years and I never have. But one of these days....